


jack harkness is his name, causing crime is his game

by fitzroysquare



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crime Scenes, Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, Midnight, Singing Towers of Darillium, Thirteenth Doctor Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:42:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28596393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fitzroysquare/pseuds/fitzroysquare
Summary: “I heard a rumour you were in here, so I committed a few crimes. Well, maybe a lot of crimes. Maybe more than I should have.” - Jack Harkness, Revolution of the DaleksIt’s the intergalactic crime reel of an immortal time traveller. Please do not attempt this at home.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	jack harkness is his name, causing crime is his game

Jack’s been incarcerated in Stormcage, the maximum-security facility of Rigel 77, and numerous other galactic prisons without even trying, so he figures that getting himself sent to a Judoon space prison isn’t going to be that hard.

He ends up being wrong, of course. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a lot of fun along the way.

1.  
The first thing Jack does is introduce dubstep to the residents of Diadem, the most relaxing planet in the galaxy.

Loud noises and disruptive activities are illegal, naturally, so Jack reckons that dubstep ought to get him noticed and arrested pretty quickly.

But as it turns out, those laws are just tools used by Diadem’s corrupt government to censor dissidents and stifle freedom of speech. So the people of Diadem take Jack’s attempt at a rave as a revolutionary act, which quickly escalates to the total overthrow of the government.

After a few celebratory afterparties and a presidential race that he wins as a write-in candidate, Jack leaves the planet as a hero of democracy and resolves to have less fun with his next crime, even though for years afterward he remembers the afterparties of the Diadem revolution with a fond smile.

2.  
For his second attempt, Jack steals five million credits worth of avocados from the planet Jaconda, a planet that was once lush greenery before a rush of asteroids destroyed its ecosystems and vegetation.

Because of the planet’s now inability to grow vegetation, Jack figures that the massive loss of any food would be taken seriously. So as he spots the Jacondian police rushing towards him as he suntans on the wing of his spaceship, Jack smiles and waits for his arrest.

The smile later falls from his face when instead of a Judoon prison sentence, Jack is given the death penalty by the Jacondian High Court. He sighs, internally cursing at himself for misjudging how seriously the Jacondians took their avocados.

Oh well. It’s not like he’ll actually stay dead.

3.  
When Jack comes to, he finds himself covered in pink glitter on a bed while broken pleasure androids and unconscious bodies litter the surrounding floor. An entire squadron from the town’s local security force is circled around him, their blasters aimed at his head.

Belatedly, Jack notices that he’s also tied spread-eagled to said bed with only his trousers still on. Regretting the poorly thought out plan that led to his current situation, Jack chalks up this one as a loss and starts preparing on the best way to get the hell out of the room when John Hart crashes through the door.

Yeah, he’s definitely not going to tell the Doctor about this one when he sees her.

4-10.  
At this point, Jack is wildly dismayed at his crime causing capability. He’s fairly certain that he used to be good at this kind of stuff, like professionally good. Jack wonders if maybe he should stop calling himself a former con-man, because he’s starting to get a little embarrassed. Regardless, Jack marches on, though he figures that he deserves to have some fun while he’s at it.

He sleeps with a monk from the Temple of Kalakiki, which only results in him being sacrificed to their God.

He runs an illegal gambling ring on Magellan, but the only thing that does is leave him fuming when off-duty Judoon end up attending as players and becoming regulars.

He racks up a string of docking station tickets for illegal spaceship parking across the galaxy, but that isn’t a big enough crime wave for the Judoon, let alone the regular planetary police, to do anything. Jack knows it was kind of a long shot, anyway.

In a halfhearted attempt, Jack poses as a burgled art connoisseur and approaches the Judoon himself, spinning a tale of woe over how a ‘Captain Jack Harkness’ had stolen all of his precious paintings. That fails to work, too, and just for a second Jack is tempted to just beg the Judoon to arrest him.

After the next three attempts don’t work either, Jack spends a few days on the leisure planet of Midnight hoping that the massages or the pretty faces of tourists will inspire him with a plan that might actually succeed.

11.  
Jack’s in the middle of robbing the Bank of Karabraxos, which is considered the most impregnable bank in the universe, though he has it on good authority that he isn’t the first immortal time traveller to try.

Everything in his plan going so smoothly, Jack thinks that this is finally the one. The sirens are ringing, the building in lockdown, and the Judoon on their way.

Jack’s waiting by the high-security vaults, mentally preparing his _but I’m innocent!_ face for when he’s inevitably caught. But then the building starts to shake and Jack instinctively flips open his vortex manipulator to check over the readings.

A solar storm. Jack sighs, knowing that no Judoon ship is going to be able to break through that kind of disruption before he gets melted to goop by the bank’s guard alien.

He’s disappointed, but Jack consoles himself knowing that he now has an arcadian diamond and a temporal-freezing gateway disinhibitor bubble to play with.

With a few taps on his vortex manipulator, Jack disappears in a flash of light.

12.  
Jack’s on Darillium, trying to figure out if streaking through the singing towers is considered a crime grave enough for the authorities to call the Judoon. Even if it isn’t, Jack thinks that he’s going to do it anyway just to liven the place up a little bit.

The planet’s nice, very nice actually, but not the kind of place that he usually visits. It’s really one of those special ‘date-night’ places where you take someone you love and Jack hasn’t had anybody in his life like that for years.

Though as he looks around the room, Jack can feel the beginning of a smile grow on his face as he recognises an old friend. They only end up chatting for a few minutes, but by the time she leaves his mind is already forming ideas on how he can rope her into a shenanigan or two later on.

When Jack gets kicked out of Darillium one week later and is given a one hundred year ban instead of a slap on the wrist, he doesn’t even care that he’s going to have to get into the Judoon space prison another way. It's just good to see River Song again.

13.  
Jack is drinking a martini with one of those little umbrellas when the Judoon finally show up.

“Why _hello_ boys,” he says, flashing a grin while ignoring the sounds of Mariposia’s wealthiest citizens screaming bloody murder all around him. “Are those guns in your hands or are you just happy to see me?”


End file.
